The Cure For The Boy Who Grew Wings and Hated Them

So I was able to see X Men : The Last Stand at Graumann's Chinese Theater here in Hollywood. It was quite a wonderful film in my opinion. Strike that, quite a fantastic movie achieving everything neccessary, good action, suspense, drama etc...

I've always been drawn to stories about people who are gifted with extrodinary powers and the idea of experiencing transformation. The X Men saga has always been of particular interest to me because they've always struggled with their abilities and their acceptance in society as different people, but people nonetheless. The paralell to homosexuals in this world today is unprecedented.

As a homosexual I know this journey, I know the anguish of feeling like you have to hide a part of yourself that's different then the larger portion of the world. In The Last Stand there's a cure that's introduced as hope for all mutants world wide. At one point Storm says "but we're not sick" and again, I understood that on a personal level.

I am also a Christian and I live with the constant battle of having to explain to straight Christians, how I can possibly believe in Jesus and yet be fine with the idea that I am attracted to men. I imagine that I will probably have to continue to explain myself for a good portion of my life, I suppose I am fine with that.

I sat alone a few days ago pondering a so-called 'normal' life and what it would mean to me. I pondered a cure for my homosexuality, not because I am unhappy but because I know life would be easier. Again, LIFE WOULD BE EASIER AS A STRAIGHT PERSON. So, yes, I think about a cure or the idea of taking an injection that would make me straight. Alas, as a believer in the life and works of Jesus I realize that life is not about being easy. I was formed and born unto this world with my own set of issues, and I have discovered that the heaviest weight upon my shoulders has been dealing with the fact that I am gay. The very idea of living with this truth openly [a few years ago] would have made me vomit.

If any of you have seen X Men: The Last Stand then you will know about the character of Angel from the movie. There's a scene in the film where they show this little 8 or 9 year old Angel, alone, in the bathroom, sobbing, trying desperately to get ride of all signs of his wings. We are shown a tool box with saws and knives. In the box are feathers and blood. This boy is desperate to rid himself of the gift he is told is a curse. Angel's father is outside the bathroom beating down the door, trying to convince his son to let him in. When his father gets in he sees his son, crying, blood on the floor mixed with white down feathers. The father looks at his son and the son says "I'm sorry dad." The father replies "not you too." Natural law says that mankind should not be born with wings and that such an occurrence is unnatural, and yet there stood a child with wings on his back, defying those laws.

I was angel, I knew how I felt from an early age and I remember those nights alone praying to God to make normal, or to give me amnesia because if I forgot who I was, that means I would forget that I was attracted to the same sex. [yes, I actually prayed for amnesia] So, like Angel, I grew up with my wings clamped under a jacket, I couldn't cut them off so I pretended to everyone that they weren't there despite the fact that there was a large hump on my back. I didn't realize that instead of a curse, I was given a gift, the chance to experience and give love to people, not with the expectation of children, but with the expectation of love. I now think that homosexuals are hear to show everyone else how to love and what acceptance is, especially to Christians of whom most think they have it all figured out and yet, have done the most damage as a religon throughout the history of the known world.

I believe that love is an expression of God. When we love we are expressing God to someone else whether we know it or not. At least, that's how I understand it.

It's a strange thing to realize you were made beautifully. It's a strange and wonderful thing. Throughout my conservative upbringing I was always toldt that our hearts are wicked by nature. That teaching never sat well with me, it didn't make sense to me. In one breath I was told that mankind was made in the image of God, and the next, we are wicked by nature. I never believed it, and I think we are born righteous by nature but the failings of humanity is what changes us, the need for money, fame, popularity, to always be right, that sort of thing.

Back to the X Men...

I left the theater feeling good, not because the movie in itself was this awesome re-telling of the Gospels, but because, in my own way, I heard God's voice again confirm in me that I don't need a cure, and that I was put here for a reason. As corny as it sounds, that reason is love, to show other people what love is and what it can accomplish outside its man-made and man understood boundaries.


Sometimes it takes a tree falling in the street for us to realize how beautiful trees are.



J.M. Prater

Wipe away the tears from my eyes, cast not a shadow nor light on my private grief. Rise oh man, rise and lift me as you float to the above. Carry me, bestow me. The angels knew and said nothing in this field of such desire and many stones.

I knew that pain, I felt that desire, and I speak that truth. Oh star field, tell me your stories and may I understand the nature of this darkness so that I can feel the grace of first light.

Know me so that I can see you. Let that sight reveal and in that unveiling show me what I’ve always desired and feared to touch. Touch me, envelop your hand within the folds of my shoulders, may I bend like grass, folding and unfolding into what I know not. Carry these wounds, mend the flesh that was torn, the bones that were broken, the heart that was stolen and the earth that it was buried in.

You knew me, you have always known me. It was I, that wave beneath the water, that life in ovum, that secret and small pain that pulled at your heels.
It was I.

J.M. Prater